'Valentine' in Decatur, GA. The artist, George Lundeen, had sculpted the couple earlier in life and revisited them to make this late in life depiction.
“Love makes us feel safe and brings us closer to God.” – Deepak Chopra

The concept of home has always been an elusive enigma to me. I’ve bounced around from place to place for most of my adult life trying to find a comfortable spot for my restless spirit. I can’t seem to sit still for too long. My friends and family joke about needing a computer app to track me down “Where in the world is Jessica now?” Even when I am in my home of the moment, I’m traveling and visiting friends as often as possible to curb my unsettled heart. I am amazed at my friend’s abilities to stay in one place. I keep keys to my friend’s houses with me at all times, even for houses thousands of miles away. Keys comfort me.

I remember a conversation last Fall with a friend of mine. We were driving in the car back to my rental house in Louisville, KY (the state where I’ve spent about 2/3 of my life). For the first time I said out loud, “I don’t feel like I have a home.” It brought me to tears. The thought I’d lived with for so long seemed shining and real when I voiced it aloud for the first time. The gravity of the words hit me hard.

In recent months, I thought I had it figured out. I’d started down a path that felt safe, secure, comfortable and easy. I walked along happily knowing where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with. I’d written to him in a letter less than a month ago, “I look forward to the day when you are my home.” We seemed to be dreaming the same dream. But life sent me on a detour I didn’t see coming. The path grew dark, then disappeared.

So, here I am again, wondering, “What is home for me?”

When I close my eyes I can envision it. The kitchen is big, bright, open and filled with light. A soft breeze blows through the window, making the curtains shudder and the candles flicker. Outside, the chimes sing and the creek bubbles. There is rolling green as far as my eyes can see. The garden is there with its makeshift scarecrow, just at the edge of the worn, red barn. The weather has started to turn and you can smell the sweet decay of early Fall in the air. The sun sets a golden light over the hills. Dinner is almost ready. I call out to whomever is there listening, waiting to come inside.

Regardless of that imagined place that still eludes me, there are a few things I do know for sure.

Home is where love resides.
It carries you out of the darkness and brings you into light.
It comforts you, cares for you, shelters you and gives you space to be.
It carries your hopes and dreams.
And you are always welcome.

I just have to sit still for a moment to realize I have all of that right now. I am already home. I hold the keys.

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6 Replies to “Home”

  1. I enjoyed your post. I think home is a lot of different places for different people. My children have always said it is wherever I am residing. I have moved around a lot within the state of Ky. To me, it is a place in my heart where I hold everyone dear.

    1. Hi Judy, I love that, home is a place in your heart where you keep all your loved ones. And it is true, home is always where my Mom is (and The Queen – my fluffy cat). 🙂

  2. 🙁

    I think we’ve all been there at some point, and nothing makes you feel more alone and lost than dating gone awry. I feel sorry for all it’s victims! But after 2 rough first years in Chicago (and starting to wonder if it was the right move), it suddenly just all fell into place when I least expected it!

    Hold on to The Queen and persevere!!!

    1. Thanks Lauren, I am hanging onto The Queen no matter what. And I’m just trying to look up and continue moving forward. Good things will come! Like you said, when it is least expected. 🙂

  3. Speaking as someone who has known only a few physical homes in this lifetime I must say that “home” is a feeling that I get when I am with people I love, my family and friends.

    Jes, I am blessed to have you in my life as someone who helps me feel accepted as my true self, as well as loved, nurtured and appreciated. I hope you too find similar comfort in me as with all of your friends, for you are adored and cherished.

    1. You’re very right Tim, home is about family and friends. And ya’ll always love, accept and care for me. 🙂 You are a blessing to me, too, and have been since the day we met.

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